21st Century Spinster

Reunions? Hmmmmm

2006-06-22T23:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I made it through reunion season and the bittersweet was mostly sweet. Especially sweet was reconnecting with a guy at my grad school reunion and really hitting it off. We're taking things slowly (the cliched hallmark of all grown-*ss relationships), but as long as I've been single, what's the hurry anyway? Crossing the border into 40 kind of freed me from the tyranny of life goal deadlines and the biological clock. It's like the relief you get when the buzzer rings, your time is up, and yet you're still here. Now the future is an open book... I had a second reunion, with a performing arts group to which I belonged in college. It was the 25th anniversary of the group's founding. It was an awesome time, but why didn't I feel successful enough when former groupmates asked me what I had been up to during the past 18 years? It was like all of the confidence and self-assurance I have gained over nearly 2 decades of personal and professional accomplishments instantly melted away and I was an insecure, awkward sophomore again who still hadn't settled on a major and didn't have a boyfriend. Ewwww...I need to leave her back in the '80s, with her pink hair and her dry-mouthed awkwardness, once and for all.

Reunion Season

2006-04-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

It's reunion season!

Reunions require a bit of courage for even the most self-assured of spinsters, especially when you go 15 years and beyond. They're the reality check we'd rather ignore, where we see the friends of our youth transformed into fully grown people, with kids and spouses, laugh lines and mortgages, their well-earned paunches and receding hairlines. Try showing up to one of those solo....

I did, for my grad school 15-year, armed with the auntie-proud photos of the twins on my iPod and the story of my career for the past decade-and-a-half. I'm learning not to take the domestic bliss of so many of my former classmates personally, to stop asking, "why do they have it all, and not me, when I'm equally deserving?" After all, life isn't about what you deserve, it's simply about choices and luck.

I really don't know what's going on their lives, anyway. People show their best face at reunions. Those whose lives are in the dumps simply don't show up.

Interestingly, at my past couple of reunions--high school and one college-related--most of the men were paired off, but their were several sister spinsters among the female classmates--all attractive, in shape and with solid careers. Safety in numbers?

Marriage is for white people?

2006-04-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

Of course, that isn't true, but it's the title of a recent Washington Post article by Joy Jones. The title is inflammatory and taken from the words of a child, but is used to illustrate the writer's view that marriage is being seen as increasingly irrelevant in the black community.

As a black woman, I'm not totally ready to buy that, but I do think this is an interesting article, especially if you buy the notion that a lot of American societal trends are first seen in more vulnerable and marginalized minority communities, but eventually spread to the mainstream (e.g. rise in single parent households, more women than men getting college degrees, growing rate of obesity, not to mention tastes in music and popular culture).

'Marriage Is for White People'
By Joy Jones
The Washington Post
Sunday, March 26, 2006; Page B01

I think the children's responses are disturbing; however, I think a lot of black adults who delay marriage really do believe in it, but as she said, the men want to play for a LONG time before settling down and the women become self-sufficient enough in the interim that they don't need to settle for relationships that drain their bank accounts or don't fulfill their emotional needs. I think this trend is growing in other communities as well, filling the ranks of spinsterdom with holdouts of all stripes.

I think this article speaks volumes about why I am single and without children at 40--and how much choice I have exercised in getting here. I don't always own up to those choices, but I have made them.

Truth is, if it weren't for the biological clock, I would still feel the desire to settle down, but far less pressure. Even so, I continue to turn down relationship offers from men that I am "not feeling." I'd still rather be alone than in a romantic relationship that bores me, irritates me, or disrespects me, and I have to face facts: most do at least one of the three. As Jones said, I just don't feel "desperate" enough to accept offers I'm not passionate about just because I want a child.

However, I have not decided (yet) to be a spinster for life, and I believe that the relationship I want is out there and marriage and motherhood are still in the cards for me. One day. Somehow.

Up With Grups

2006-04-11T01:10:00.000-04:00

The word spinster sounds old-fashioned and conjures up images of prim and mirthless old women in knee-length granny dresses with their hair pulled back in severe buns--the original 40-year-old virgins. And yet is your over-35 spinster life really all that different than it was when you were 25, bouncy and baby fresh?

The other day a friend of mine sent me the link to an article that suggests the generation gap has disappeared between the current generation of 30- and 40-somethings and their kids. Entitled "Up With Grups,", it appeared in April 3 issue of the New Yorker.'

Fans of the original Star Trek series will remember an episode in which Kirk and the Enterprise crew lands on a planet populated by 300-year-old children who are infected with a disease that vastly slows the aging process, but then quickly kills once the person reaches puberty. The "kids" call the Enterprise crew members "grups," which they eventually figure out is a contraction of "grown-ups."

Writer Adam Sternbergh likens the current generation of over-30 urban hipsters to those kids who feared being grups no matter how old they grew (technically, since they never grow up they could not be labeled as "grups," but why quibble the point?). He points out that today's grups want to be like their kids, enjoying the same clothes, music, and games as their own progeny. Gone are the days of the generation gap, when kids dug rock and roll to spite their Sinatra-loving parents. Now, he says, they download music by groups like "Franz Ferdinand and Interpol and Bloc Party, that you might assume their parents would absolutely despise. Except it doesn't really work that way anymore. In part, because how can their parents hate Interpol when they sound exactly like [the late 70's punk band] Joy Division?"

I would argue that kids will always find a way to distinguish themselves from their parent's generation. I also think this phenomenon ranges far beyond the hip, urban environs of Park Slope, where Sternbergh seems to have done much of his research. People of all shades, lifestyles and walks of like are in the grip of grupism, in my opinion. What about all the balding guys I see on the A train in baseball caps with baggy True Religions hanging below their expanding paunches? Or the grandmothers rolling their carts through Target stuffed to the point of bursting into Baby Phat jeans and tees as tight as sausage casing?

It's clear that many of us don't wish to grow old. We are as frightened of the mantle of mature adulthood as our parent's generation was eager to embrace it. To them it meant they had finally arrived. To us, it means that we are closer to the final destination.

I wonder if the single, childless (or child-free, as some would put it) lifestyle that so many of us are living is simply our refusal to leave the party of young adulthood. To me, it's kind of like the exits have been padlocked and music cranked up to ear-splitting volumes that no longer thrill me. But am I looking hard enough for the master key?

Instead of spinsters, should we be calling ourselves "grupsters"?

Canes, sausages and the return of Super Auntie

2006-04-04T00:23:00.000-04:00

It's a chilling, drizzly night in New York, and I'm laid up with a wicked case of tendonitis I got running this past weekend. Achieving a personal best of 10 miles on Saturday, I got a little too happy and tried a repeat on Sunday. Age is nothing but a number, right? Dumb move at any age.

Meanwhile, Kitty is torturing the neighbors one floor down by chasing his jingleball across the hard wood floor. It's after midnight, but he's 14 years old, so I figure he'll tucker out in about 3 minutes and then conk out for the next 12 hours, dreaming of younger days when he still had his 'jewels.' Anyway, stopping him would require me to hobble across the floor using this fetching, aluminum cane the orthopedist gave me. I'm not in the mood.

However, I am looking forward to the weekend, when SUPERAUNTIE will be in full effect. My sis and her husband are bringing their baby twin girls into town. I can't wait! It's hard to be apart from them, but we live thousands of miles away. Gotta make a Buy Buy Baby run before they get here! It's funny how you can lose yourself in a place like that. Little people, little clothing, cute little accessories--I can even deal with the screaming for hours because I guess, in the end, I get to give them back. I still hold out hope for a keeper one day, though.

Totally off subject, here's some food for thought. I heard a female DJ on the radio today, quoting Andy Rooney's recent riff on the old saw, "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Rooney apparently said more and more women are saying, "Why buy the pig, when you can get the sausage for free?"

Now if only I had some sausage... :)

Someone had a BIG birthday!

2006-03-29T11:28:00.000-05:00

I'm baaack. Again.

I apologize for the long disappearances. Just because I've defined 21st Century spinsterhood doesn't mean I've been ready to fully embrace it. But I'm back from the land of denial once again, and ready to explore the open road of my life's journey.

Since my last posting, I have discovered the joys of auntiehood, turned 40, and decided to get in touch with my creative side through a fiction-writing workshop. I still have not found a partner, but I am more at peace with that than ever. I think it is because I'm learning that as long as you give yourself to the world, you will get plenty back--even if it isn't exactly in the form that you had in mind. (My mom, by the way says I'm full of crap and that she knows I am unhappy. Bless her heart.)

I've also become more aware of how my decisions have led to where I am, and more willing to own up to them. I've had plenty of opportunities to pair up and perhaps settle down, and I've turned them down. I still do it. I'm trying to understand why.

Anyway, there's plenty more to get into, but I just wanted to break the ice with this post.

Childless, or child-free?

2004-07-28T00:21:00.000-04:00

Remember that Roy Lichtenstein-like cartoon that ran some years ago when all those "ticking biological clock" articles came out? You know the one, where a woman looks at her watch with an expression of utter shock and exclaims, "Oh my God, I forgot to have children!"

Her predicament seems absurd, and yet I suspect that a lot of 21st Century Spinsters (myself included) are like that woman. We didn't choose this as a lifestyle, nor were we forced into it. We simply let the chips fall as they may while we were focusing on other things, and oh well, here we are.

Yep, yep...

Yet there are those who do choose not to have children; in fact, they espouse the virtues of what they call the "child-free," (not childless) life. Apparently, nearly 7 million women of childbearing age defined themselves as voluntarily childless in 1995, up from 2.4 million in 1982, according to the National Center of Health Statistics.

I'm not sure that I can relate (yet), and maybe my spinster card ought to be yanked for that. No matter. For those who wish to learn more about the child-free life, here's a resource:

www.childfree.net

Putting a proper spin on the lifestyle

2004-07-26T20:49:00.000-04:00

I love it when people comment on the information that I share. I learn so much from them. For instance, my last posting netted a comment that included the etymology of the words "spinster." The Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary definitions cited were:

1. A woman who spins, or whose occupation is to spin. 2. A man who spins. [Obs.] 3. An unmarried or single woman; -- used in legal proceedings as a title, or addition to the surname. 4. A woman of evil life and character; -- so called from being forced to spin in a house of correction. [Obs.]

The anonymous commenter then observed, "I found the definition interesting, as sometimes feel as though we are spinning out of control." I can identify with that feeling; the one that I get when I realize how far off the designated path my life has veered, and how little control I seem to have over where it is going. And if you believe the United Arab Emirates article in my previous posting spinsterhood is destabilizing the very axis upon which society turns.

As I pondered this, I stumbled across a book review of Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique by Matthew Wills in which he observes, "spinster = one who spins, and therefore controls her own production." Wow! All the mamas who profit dollas/Throw your hands up at me!* His "spinster" isn't reeling out of control; on the contrary, she's firmly in control of her livelihood and direction.

Of course, I think that perhaps, we're putting a new spin on what it means to unmarried without children in the 21st Century. (Ooh, I detect the odor of a facile cop-out. Let me work on that one a bit...)

*Lyrics from "Independent Women, Pt. 1" by S. Barnes/Beyoncé/J. Olivier/Corey Rooney

There's a house with a porch...

2004-07-24T01:52:00.000-04:00

There'll be a house with a large, wrap-around porch in a sleepy corner of a certain South American country waiting for me when I get old, where I can live out my twighlight years in the company of friends. So promises one of my best girlfriends, a European sister-in-spinsterhood, every time I start to kvetch over where my life is headed. "That's okay, girlie," she drawls with warm affection, "You won't be alone. I'm going to start building that house where all of us old spinsters can live, with a big porch for us to sit on in the rocking chairs. It will be finished by the time we're old."

On a recent balmy evening at an outdoor cafe in the East Village, over a glass of surprisingly good rosé, I shared with her my discovery of how many spinsters there are in the U.S. between 30 and 44: 3.1 million.

"Guess it's going to be a very large porch," she remarked.

Spinster News: UAE Seeks To Stamp Out Spinsterhood

2004-07-23T01:49:00.000-04:00

Talk about living in different worlds on the same planet...check out this gem that ran in the United Arab Emirates' Khaleej Times:

Alarm bells ring as rate of UAE spinsters rises

By Muawia E. Ibrahim 16 July 2004

ABU DHABI - The number of spinsters in the UAE is increasing at an alarming rate, calling for the involvement of all segments of society as well as the authorities to find a practical solution, according to a study conducted by the Police Research Centre of the Ministry of Interior.
The study, which was carried out in Sharjah, showed that the number of spinsters was growing at an alarming rate, reaching 73 per cent.
The survey covered a random sample of 100 men and women who were asked to answer a questionnaire on the characters of potential future partners including age category, reasons behind choice of partners, roots of the problem, average age of spinsters and the psychological and social effects of the problem.
The study showed that high dowries, social traditions associated with wedding ceremonies, as well as other reasons such as reluctance of girls to accept their would-be-husbands as a result of fear of failure or failed family experiences have contributed to the problem of spinstership in the country.
Good reputation and behaviour were the most targeted characters by both male and female youths in selecting a partner, representing 13.24 per cent of the selection criterion, followed by the question of whether the potential partner is a religious person, which constituted 13.10 per cent.
Compatibility, emotional bond, and nationality represented 11.17 per cent, followed by education. At bottom of the list was the condition of marrying a relative where the sample showed a visible tendency towards marrying outside relations despite the dominance of the deep-rooted tradition of kin marriages.
The age at which a person is considered spinster ranges between 25 and 35. The favourite age of partners for both men and women is below 22.5 years. Young men prefer future wives to be teenagers. However, girls do not mind husbands above 20 years of age.
On reasons behind rejecting a proposed fiance among females, the study showed that many rejected such proposals anticipating a better future husband.
The study highlighted the negative effects of spinstership on women including depression and anxiety (33 per cent), family disobedience (19 per cent), psychological and physical effects (19 per cent).
Among other effects is feeling rejected by the society among spinsters.
Blaming the problem primarily on the family, the study proposed a number of solutions to the problem including curbing extravagance in doweries and wedding, correcting wrong cultural and social traditions with regard to selecting partners and setting up matchmaking bureaus by the government.
The problem of spinstership has been a source of concern to the authorities as well as to social institutions on top of which is the Marriage Fund.
On the occasion of the UAE Women Federation's 25th silver jubilee, Her Highness Shaikha Fatima bint Mubarak, Wife of the President and Chairperson of the UAE Women's Federation, expressed concern over the rate of spinstership among nationals.
"I am deeply concerned with the problems of spinstership, divorce and unemployment.
"Efforts by women organisations and ministries concerned should be stepped up to root out these dangers."
She added: "The more negative phenomenon we face, the more responsibilities needed to be shouldered by social organisations about welfare of women and society. We should not sit on our laurels or close our eyes while these women are continuously struggling against all odds."
Shaikha Fatima called for a study on the reasons behind these problems to find practical solutions to them.

Spinster News: Thirty-something Japanese women find their 'Bridget Jones'

2004-07-23T00:42:00.000-04:00

Oookay, the title is a bit disconcerting...but then maybe they mean dog in the "ballsy b*tch" kind of way? --Sp21

Thirty-something Japanese women find their 'Bridget Jones'

July 4, 2004 TOKYO (AFP) - Single thirty-something Japanese women, long dismissed as too old to be marriage material, are getting their revenge through the pen of Junko Sakai, whose book about "losers" has become Japan's answer to Britain's beloved Bridget Jones.
Since its debut in October, "Howl of the Loser Dogs," a non-fiction account of the plight of single career women aged 30 or older, has sold close to 220,000 copies.
The book has attracted massive media coverage and even spawned a television show featuring well-known single celebrities.
"Until now, there had been nothing but caricatures and cliches about single women over thirty, generally considered to be old bags or outcasts," said senior editor Etsuko Moriyama of the book's publisher, Kodansha.
Sakai writes in her book that society has become divided between "winners" -- married women with children -- and "losers" or childless females who have crossed into the 30s but have been left behind in the marriage game.
"This is the first time that a thirty-something woman herself, single and without children, has offered an introspective, lucid analysis on the condition of the losers," Moriyama said.
In an interview, the writer said the benefits of single life have been ignored in a country where relationships are seen as all-important.
"However entertaining and amusing her life is, a single woman free of constraints will always be perceived as a loser in a society where a woman's social status is still based on her marriage," Sakai, 37, told AFP.
"The goal of this work was not to pit us against them, but rather to try to understand how these losers, who are more and more prevalent, have come to be," said Sakai, who admits being inspired by the big screen character of London yuppy Bridget Jones.
"Even if there are more and more unmarried women over 30, until now their social status had not been identified yet nor their life clearly portrayed," said Sakai.
Described as eternal romantics, losers are predisposed toward love and have a taste for danger, which stimulates them but also leads them to have affairs with married men, Sakai writes.
Winners, on the other hand, are rational and calculating, which explains why they finally end up finding a partner, contrary to their counterparts who are too emotional and demanding to tie the knot, she says.
"In Japan, men tend to marry those whose professional and financial situation is inferior to them, but for women, it's the reverse," Sakai explained.
"Women who are too brilliant find themselves on the bench or having no other choice than to date the leftovers and some are not willing to do that," she said.
Sakai paints a picture of women in a losing battle against their biological clocks in a country where men consider a woman over age 25 to be "faded."
But she also describes Japanese society in major flux, marked by an explosion in the number of unmarried women.
According to the latest statistics by the home affairs ministry, the number of women between 30 and 34 who were unmarried has nearly doubled over the last decade, from 13.9 percent of all women in 1990 to 26.6 percent in 2000.
Between ages 35 and 39, the percentage of unmarried women rose from 7.5 percent in 1990 to 13.8 percent 10 years later.
For Takayo Yamamoto, research director at the Hakuhodo Institute of Life and Living, the phenomenon is linked to an equal opportunity employment law that took effect in 1985.
It opened new horizons for a generation whose careers had previously been severely restricted, she said.
"Since that law was passed, there have been more and more women who earn their own living, an independence they are not ready to sacrifice at any price," Yamamoto said.
"In the past, marriage allowed women to become wealthy. But now, that's no longer true," she said. "A majority of women would rather stay single than get married to a man with a low salary. It could be that women are getting greedy."

Sizing Up The Under-45 Spinster

2004-07-22T18:48:00.000-04:00

I'm getting closer to an exact number of how many spinsters we have in the United States. After hours of blundering around the U.S. Census Bureau website, I stumbled across this nugget:

There are 3.16 million never-married, childless women in the U.S. between the ages of 30 and 44. Dump the women who are ages 30-34, and you still have 1.8 million 21st Century Spinsters. (Source: Current Population Survey - June 2002).

I haven't yet tackled the over-45 spinster stats, who I'm guessing are more of the old-school variety.

She's baaaaack!

2004-07-22T01:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, I've been gone for a while.

If you've read my previous blog entries, then you probably saw the end of my relationship with HIM coming even before I did.

Silly spinster...

Valentine's Day, 2004, I declared my freedom with a night on the town with my girls. Then I came home to the terrifying reality that I really was unmarried, childless, and alone, and might always be that way. Time to wear that capital S on my chest, for real.

So of course, I ran for my computer and before you can type the letters SBF, I was back on the online dating circuit. I figured the hollow, clickedy-clack of my fingers striking the keyboard would drown out echos of his well-aimed taunt, "a woman your age shouldn't have such an attitude..."

Half a dozen blind dates later, I found myself at the altar...as the maid of honor for my younger sister's wedding. Two of the most beautiful and deserving people I know exchanged tearful vows under the hot California sun in an immaculately landscaped park, and I became a believer--not in need to get hitch SOON, but the power of following your heart.

Made the tacky, overstyled, bridesmaid updo that the hairdresser inflicted on me almost bearable...softened the ringing in my ears caused by a well-meaning (I'm sure) relative's comment at the reception: "So, now that your younger sister is married, do you feel any pressure?"...even softened the blow when the 38-year-old wedding coordinator knocked my hand out of the way with an NFL-worthy lateral lunge during the bouquet toss. (Talk about blood on the dance floor...if you want to see spinsters scrap, just toss a bundle of flowers in their midst.)

Also made me pause and decide to cool my jets on the dating front for a short while. I need to understand this life that has chosen me. I need to understand how I got here, and where I'm going.

Meanwhile, The 21st Century Spinster is back online...

A Spinster Gives Back

2004-07-22T01:26:00.000-04:00

Originally published 12/17/2003

The world's most famous, rich spinster inspired me to act today.

Tonight an ABC News special focused on Oprah Winfrey's efforts to help fight AIDS in Africa--especially its legacy of orphaned children. In some parts of Southern Africa, 1 in 3 adults is HIV-infected, leaving a generation of children to grow up on their own--many HIV-infected themselves. Oprah is funding programs to help orphans, strengthen education and empower a new generation of women to take control of their lives and bodies.

I admire the billionaire media diva's approach to the planet's most overwhelming problem. She admits that she can't help all of the more than 30 million HIV-infected individuals in Africa, but she can use her bully-pulpit and some of her wealth--to mobilize greater international support.

Addressing her choice to remain single and childless, she said that perhaps this what she has been prepared for all along: helping to care for thousands of needy children instead of parenting a few.

Seconding that emotion, I decided to get up off the couch and make a donation to a charity that is combatting AIDS in Africa. I chose Africare to receive my monthly donations (I figure I can give up a couple of cab rides a month), but there are others:

Oprah's Christmas Kindness

UNICEF

Defending Your Life

2004-07-22T01:24:00.000-04:00

Orginally published 12/13/2003

Two former colleagues--both spinsters--invited me to join them at a networking function at a trendy restaurant downtown. Instead of networking, however, we spent much of the evening drinking wine and chewing on the nature of our single, professonial lifestyles--the pros, and the cons, the "how exactly did we get here's."

"Do you find that you've been asked to defend your life lately?" I asked these two women, who were a couple of years older than I am. I was not referring to a new boom in the crime rate. What I meant was that I find more and more frequently I'm being asked to explain why I'm 38 and never married, with no children.

Surprisingly, it's not my older female relatives press me about my lifestyle--they understand exactly why I've remained independent--it's men who I have gone out with in recent years. The subtext always seems to be, "what's wrong with you?" It's a rude reminder that not all that long ago, women with my lifestyle were shunned and pitied. Yet I don't feel at all pitiful.

"No, I really haven't encountered that," said one of my friends admitted, while fixing me with her one of her intense-yet-empathetic trademark gazes. The other one shook her head, and murmured "no," as well.

Sure that I can't be the only spinster under scrutiny, I probed a bit more. It became clear that these ladies had become quite comfortable inside the close-knit urban, professional orbit that we travel in--one in which "female, single, childless and forty-something" is far from oddball, and indeed has plenty of company. One in which career brings far more status to a woman than family. One in which questioning another person's lifestyle is politically incorrect.

Not necessarily the "real world," in other words. Perhaps it is in venturing outside that orbit to date that I have subjected myself to scrutiny. Not that I feel all that comfortable in "the real world" either. As I basked in the "me too, yeah-I-know-what-you mean" glow of spinster sisterhood with these two ladies--ladies who seemed quite content with being unattached and independent--I had a genuinely good time. We three closed down the event, in fact.

I walked away with the feeling that whether I remained a spinster or defected to married land at some point, the understanding of my girlfriends will become increasingly important in my life. Who else will understand how much playing the role of womanhood can chafe the ego and bruise the spirit sometimes?

A couple of days later I received a brief e-mail from my intense-yet-empathetic friend. It included a link to an MSN Women article: Seven Things Single Women Can Be Thankful For. It lists the things that single women can celebrate about their lives during the holiday season. Item #6 seemed written especially for us.

Enjoy.

A Spinster's Number-One Enemy

2004-07-22T01:21:00.000-04:00

Originally published 11/24/2003

In the lounge's dim light--or in any light, for that matter--she looked the antithesis of the aging spinster stereotype. Beautiful, slender, poised, sharp-eyed...if she were a little less grounded in our fast-paced, workaholic reality, if she were a little less kind-hearted, then her surplus of natural gifts would be absolutely infuriating. A smoky voice spun out her tale in a soft, easy cadence punctuated by jarringly hard-edged declarations.

Just when she'd mastered the art of walking away, she'd begun to doubt that skill's value. The number-one enemy of a spinster's peace of mind had begun to stalk her: What if? What if she hadn't walked away from this man or that when he'd begun to act up. What if she had stayed and stuck it out? Would she be married with kids by now, or simply used up and spinstered against her will at thirty-something?

And why was it that men seemed to want her as long as she was pushing them away? Why was it so effective to dangle her affections before them like ripe, unpicked fruit on a barely-out-of-reach branch, when she'd rather let the right man eat his fill? When she gave them all she had (and she had a lot to give: beauty, brains, affection, passion, a generous spirit, a successful career, money) why did it scare them away?

They crave the game, so perhaps we have to give it to them, she speculated.

My heart sunk with her hope--partly because I believe that you can't find true live without that hope, and partly because a small part of me feared she might be right.

She reminded us how tough it can be to live a 21st Century spinster's life without tasting bitterness.

A Spinster's Trap

2004-07-22T01:19:00.000-04:00

Originally published 10/16/2003

Her job lost, she suddenly felt uncomfortable around all the successful, employed singles with whom she had prowled the city's watering holes and and now-unaffordable in-spots. Her insecurities about her situation were driving a wedge between her and someone she cared about, she confessed.

"It's hard to hear about the purchased other people have made, the money they're spending," she said.

A very giving and creative person, she'd nonetheless been snared by the ultimate 21st century spinster's trap: Defining yourself primarily by what you do (and how much you make as a result of it).

I've done my time inside that prison, and can only claim to be on parole from it--I am not yet free. Plus, I know what's like to lose my position and means of support. It's scary as hell; and to top it off, people aren't shy about reminding you that you've "fallen off." Which is why it's so important to have an emotional lifeline that is tethered to something other than your career.

With no children or spouse to care for, it's so easy to concentrate on the one remaining thing that society can easily grasp as a measure of your success: your resume.

But I also remember standing vigil over someone I dearly loved in his final days. His concern for his successes and respectable means evaporated in the heat of his final battle. He kept his eyes trained on his most treasured emblems of victory: the people he loved. Nothing else mattered anymore. As they say: you can't take it with you.

Of course, he was married with children. So does that mean a childless, spouseless life is doomed to eternal emptiness? No, not at all.

You can pour love into friends, mentees, your faith, your community, or a defining passion that improves lives and leaves a legacy.

Before you say, "Yeh-huh, rrright, that's no substitute for raising a family," take note of a University of Florida study released in April. The researchers reported similar levels of well-being in elderly people with children and those without.

"For years we have heard warnings that if you don't have children, you will regret it later," said Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox, a UF sociology professor who conducted the study, in a released statement. "But beliefs about childlessness leading to a lonely old age are simply not supported by our study."

Why not? One reason is that some childless people are able to maintain social ties throughout their lives that may substitute for what children would have given them, Koropeckyj-Cox said.

They may do this with friends, work relationships or the younger generation. They pour their love into other people and other things beyond their careers.

Of course, the stereotypical spinster has always had that stereotypical feline to pour her love into, hasn't she? ;)

A Spinster's Resolve

2004-07-22T01:18:00.000-04:00

Originally published 11/11/2003

No spinster facts or pithy quotes from old maid icons today.

These past few days I have been nursing a lingering cold, bruised feelings and a tangy draught of resolve.

I may be proud to be a spinster, but no one has the right to hold the threat of this status over my head as the price of not trying hard enough to please.

I resolve to never be tamed by the threat of loneliness.

If I do give (and I will), I will give to gain and not to avoid loss.

A Spinster's Halloween

2004-07-22T01:16:00.000-04:00

Originally published 10/31/2003

This spinster was all ready to help her boyfriend take his 8-year-old daughter trick-or-treating. There aren't too many children 'round the parts where I live (in the land of apartment-dwelling spinsters and aging peter pans), so I'm thrilled at the idea of importing in one especially cute and bright kid to get dressed up and go hunting for candy.

When I was a kid, we trick-or-treated for hours, zipping around from door to door on sugar highs, collecting pennies for Unicef, hunting for snickers and tootsie rolls (and dutifully handing over the pixie sticks and apples to our Moms so that they could check for cyanide poisoning and razor blades--yes, even in the stone age of the 60s/70s you had sickos). It was without a doubt the best night of the year! This even continued into our teens, until some the boys who chased us home were after something else besides our candy, and a few of the older men of the community started requesting tricks instead of offering treats. (Requests denied with rolled eyes)

Alas, though, it looks my boyfriend's daughter doesn't want to troll for treats with her dad and me in tow. Instead, she wants to see a movie. (sigh)

Perhaps in true spinster fashion, I'll dress up my tabby cat. I suppose I should dress up as a witch as well, with him as my medium (weren't spinsters vulnerable to being tagged as witches at some point in our history?). Otherwise, I'll just wait a day, don a feather boa and check out that after-hours costume party I hear they're having on the 3rd floor of my apartment building.

Who says I'm too old to enjoy Halloween?

Spinster Untamed

2004-07-22T01:13:00.000-04:00

Originally published 10/27/2003

"Shape up, otherwise you'll end up alone, and then you'll be sorry."

It's a pronouncement that we spinsters are especially vulnerable to having slung our way by a significant other. As if our condition is a punishment for not having been more tractable, more accommodating.

Time was when I was always ready with a handy "Well don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" kind of retort. After all, I'd much rather be alone than miserable, right?

I don't feel punished for all the freedoms that I enjoy; and after 20 years of spinsterhood, I've grown to love my own company--plus I'm surrounded by family and friends who love me.

Better yet, how about this gem from the Katharina of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew?

Do what thou canst, I will not go to-day;
No, nor to-morrow, nor till I please myself.
The door is open, sir, there lies your way

But such retorts, while sinfully satisfying, are far easier than working through relationship conflict, aren't they? And even Kate was "tamed" eventually. (I never got over the disappointment of that.)

(Sigh)

Well, there is one thing that I will always insist: I may end up alone, but I'll NEVER BE SORRY.

Having Her Say

2004-07-22T01:02:00.000-04:00

Originally published 10/22/2003

Some days I revel in my spinsterhood; other days I wonder where I'm heading. Feeling a little bluesy this evening after minor spat with my guy, I headed to Internet in search of wisdom from an older and wiser spinster. At InfoPlease I came across this little nugget by Sarah (Sadie) Delany, who died in 1999 a true, diehard spinster at age 109.

"Life is short, and it's up to you to make it sweet."

From Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters' First 100 Years, written with sister Elizabeth (Bessie) Delany (1993)

It may have a soundbite quality to it (with a heaping dose of irony considering her long life) but at this moment it's exactly the piece of advice that I need.

You see, it's easy to fret over where your life is heading and to wonder how it all ended up the way that it did, instead of the way that you planned. (Few of us truly plan to be spinsters, let's be frank. It just happens, you know?)

But Delany's advice puts me back into the driver's seat and reminds me that the clock is ticking (no, not the biological clock, but rather the clock of happiness and fulfillment).

"Life is short, and it's up to you to make it sweet."

The Delany sisters were African-American spinsters who forged through a century of oppression, challenges and achievement, to tell the world their story, Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters' First 100 Years, as centenarians. After its 1993 release, several more books, a play and a TV movie followed.

Sadie was a dentist and Bessie was an educator. They were inseparable to the end (Bessie died in 1995 at age 104), and neither married or had children.

For more information on them, go to HavingOurSay.com.

Spinsterhood, Spirituality, and Dating

2004-07-22T01:00:00.000-04:00

Originally published 10/19/2003

Many spinsters are told they missed the boat on getting a man, but Christian spinsters are sometimes told they shouldn't let the boat distract them from their walk with God in the first place. Do you agree?

Writer/Christian Spinster Myrtle Jones does not. Here's her article in NiaOnline:

Make Room For Faith and a Relationship
Are you using your faith as a shield against the pains and disappointments of the single life? Writer Myrtle Jones, a single Christian who enjoys dating, explains how faith actually can lead to a happy love life.

Regardless of your faith, she has some great advice for allowing your faith to bring you abundance rather than using it as a shield against the ups and downs of life.

Dating Younger Men

2004-07-22T00:57:00.000-04:00

Originally published 9/30/2003

As a spinster who is happily dating an ever-so-slightly younger man, after years of dating older men, I was amused by reports of a new AARP survey that says nearly 1/3 of women ages 40-69 date younger men. (Can I get an 'amen'?)

(Here's an MSNBC.com report on the survey.)

Could it be that the scales of romantic justice have balanced out? Or did millions of spinsters finally figure out that by dipping down into the age spectrum that the pickings are simply more plentiful? Plus, it's time someone busted the bubble of those aging playboys who still cling to the notion that their "currency" is going up with age, while that of women goes down.

Really!

Keep this in mind: according to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 11.6 million women ages 40-44. In the next age category up (45-49), there are 10.5 million men, while in the next age category down, there are 11.4 million men. Putting aside the added benefits of fitter physiques and more energy/stamina, it simply makes sense to dip into a larger pool of available men.

Don't you agree?

21st Century Spinster Stats

2004-07-22T00:55:00.000-04:00

Originally published 9/20/2003

Forget the stereotype of the weird old lady who lives at the end of the block in a house full of mangy cats.

Today, there are millions of spinsters who redefine what it means to be single and childless.

According the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2000 22% of women ages 30-34 had never been married, compared to 6% in 1970; and in 2000 13% of women 35-44 had never been married, compared to 5% in 1970.

www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/p20-537.pdf

That's 5 million never married thirtysomethings and fortysomethings.

Furthermore, 28% of women 30-34 were childless in 2000, according to the Census Bureau. Twenty percent of those 35-39 were childless. Among women 40-to-44 years old who were nearing the completion of their childbearing years, 19 percent were childless, almost twice as high as women of the same age in 1980. I haven't yet been able to find out how many 30/40something women are both childless and never married, but overall, nearly 43% of American women 15-44 are childless, and 77% of them have never been married.

www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/p20-543rv.pdf

That's 19.25 million women. I'm proud to be one of them. Yes, I am a feline owner, but I only have one, and he's not the least bit mangy. ;)

Makeover of a Different Sort

2004-07-22T00:54:00.000-04:00

Originally published 9/17/2003

A major women's magazine recently asked me and a few other ladies to participate in an experiment. Knowing that busy spinsters like us tend to be sleep deprived, they chose me for an energy makeover of sorts. Now I am trying to follow an expert's suggestions for getting more rest. One of them is getting to bed earlier.

So why am I up now, fighting sleep? I discussed this with a girlfriend over chianti yesterday in one of those trendy Fort Greene, Brooklyn eateries that is always changing names. "I know I should get to bed earlier, but I can't," she said.

We decided that the late night hours are the "me" hours for us spinsters. All is quiet, there are no distractions (assuming that the horny partner, or vibrator has been put to bed) and you finally have some time to savor just being you. Read a book, watch the late-night dating shows, post to your blog, whatever...How can you possibly stay sane without a little "me" time? Of course, I'm kind of greedy. I like to have lots of it.

But for real, now it's time for me to turn in. :)

New Rules for the 21st Century

2004-07-22T00:49:00.000-04:00

Originally published 9/15/2003

My boyfriend says that to succeed at life you need to understand society's rules and how to play them. I'm not sure I agree, but I do think that a 21st Century Spinster needs to recognize how society's rules have changed in order to understand her rightful place in the future. Here was my take on those rules a few years ago. The earth didn't exactly move when they were published, but I did get to read them at the National Press Club on C-Span and debate them on public radio with the star of one of those syndicated "judge" shows.

(Published in the 2001 National Urban League "State of Black America" Report):

You can't change the world if you refuse to acknowledge the forces that are already shaping it. For years, alarmists have decried the "decline" in our society (e.g. too many single mothers, not enough leaders), but they've missed the point. While they were sounding the alarm, society as we knew it did fall apart, and now it's being rebuilt according to new ethos, attitudes and conventions. I've written the following not as a manifesto for how things should be, but as a wake-up call about how they actually are to a new generation of Americans.

HERE ARE THE NEW RULES WE LIVE BY IN THE 21st CENTURY (If you think the old rules still apply, you're in denial)

RACE: We finally admit that race is a political construct and begin to fashion our identities around heritage.

POLITICS: Party loyalty is out; identity politics are in.

ACTIVISM: No one will settle for second-class citizenship and double standards; No one's asking for permission to be equal anymore.

FAMILY: Family structures accommodate our lives, not the other way around. Quit whining about the destruction of the family, because the old system died a long time ago (we've just been in denial) and we're in uncharted territory now. Deal with it.

CAREER: No one expects a lifetime career and everyone wants to be his or her own boss. Security is a myth, so get over it.

ROMANCE & SEXUALITY: No guarantees, no compromises, take no prisoners. Pursue a sense of good self-esteem and you can't go wrong.

COMMUNITY: It's about common interests, not geography. Formalized interaction is out the window; everything's personal and casual.

HEALTH: Good health is earned, not inherited. BEAUTY: Beauty standards are more diverse and with discipline (or money), you too can be beautiful.

FINANCES: Don't expect big brother to take care of you, because you're on your own. And you can't take it with you, so spend it, baby.

TECHNOLOGY: It's a personal, empowering force, not a dehumanizing force that will crush you, then replace you. Mastering it is the key to success.

COMMUNICATION: Get to the point and make it convenient -- all the time.

RELIGION: It's personal, as opposed to communal.

HERO WORSHIP: The aristocracy's reign is dead. Celebrity and notoriety rule, and the line between the two is often blurred.

SUCCESS: Being known is the ultimate form of success. © 2000 S. H.

Spinster POV

2004-07-22T00:46:00.000-04:00

Originally published 9/15/2003

Fifty years ago we would have been considered freaks. Now 21st Century Spinsters are a growing legion of educated, professional women, 30+, who never followed the traditional path of marriage and children. It's not that we didn't want those things--we all wanted them "some day, when the time is right"--it just never occurred to us to actively try for them. Now we enter our peak years very self-empowered, very self-actualized, and wondering just how to share all of our newfound wisdom. This is not a "girl, you don't need a man anyway" rant, nor is it a "hurry, the clock is ticking!" advisory. It's a place where we can figure out the next level beyond all that noise.

2004-07-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

We're in unexplored territory here...